|+++ Thoughts +++
||[Oct. 21st, 2007|12:27 pm]
+++ daVid +++
|||||down-tempo, trip-hoppy stuff||]|
i don't know what it is with sundays. they're always lonely, depressive days; full of unwanted self-reflection and painful nostalgia for me. i usually end up not leaving my room and staring off into space or mindlessly wandering around town.
actually i've been feeling pretty down for awhile. not much energy to go anywhere or do anything, not much of an appetite, and no passion for life at all. i may need help again. guess it's time to go buy the 5-HTP, since i don't have any insurance right now to get real medicine.
i feel like i'm in an emotional vacuum. knowing what is wrong with me and not having the will to help myself to change, even when all it takes is a conscious decision and action. stuck in a rut of old habits and feeling like i'm totally wasting my life one day at a time. wondering where i'd be right now if i didn't have certain things constantly holding me back from attacking life at full-throttle. i need a spiritual guru, a near-death experience, something to wake my fucking ass up. i've forgotten how to live life. i have a sick fascination with denying myself pleasurable things in life, and that is so incredibly fucked up for so many personal reasons.
been in a fog since i've been in nyc. missing my old life back in ca, even though i wasn't that happy then either, and still not really sure how to start a new life in ny or if i even want to. all the love seems to be 3,000 miles away.
i live in the past way too much. and that is guaranteed pain. desiring to be in a place that doesn't exist anymore and trying to dwell there is the springboard for total neurosis, or worse. i feel completely trapped.
i know this isn't the real me, i know it.