| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|07:09 pm] |
it's a sad state of affairs when the sound of people laughing makes you angry. when giggly, smiley, upbeat people enjoying life makes one want to vomit. envy is the darkest and most dangerous emotion there is.
i hate LJ. it's frustrating. it's designed for people with social lives. it's not journaling in the real sense, which is what i need to do on a daily basis no matter how putrid or horrible the thoughts are......it's for reflecting and purging. like dreaming while awake. stream of consciousness and not. i have no need for a fucking online social calendar.
i don't even know why i'm still on here or why i bother logging in. it's getting so goddamn boring. i am mildly amused at the entries of others, but usually all i care about is looking at pictures. i respect the lives, triumphs and tragedies of others, but frankly i'm not interested in hearing other people's day to day mundane bullshit, nor are they interested in mine, i guarantee that. these online friendships should be very satisfying to someone like me who is deathly afraid of people, but it's not. i never have anything to say but negativity and on the rare occasion i decide to write the bullshit down, it's because i have no one to rant to in person. i may kill this account or just abandon it. it's completely pointless. i do have an additional journal that no one else knows about. i think i will write in that for a bit while i decide the fate of this one.
i am quite the self-indulgent bastard. no one has to tell me about that. wallowing in negative feelings and loneliness is really the only pleasure or sense of worth i have at the moment. there is only one person who reads my journal (you know who you are) who really knows who i am. she's well used to it. but to everyone else, i put on a good facade. i'm just so sick of lying to people. |
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| +++ Dub-a-licious Bassaholic +++ |
[Nov. 7th, 2007|08:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | rooM | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | simpson episode | ] |
fucking freezing in my room. it's not as cold in the rest of the apartment. must be a demon in here or something. my goddamn CA blood is still used to medium temperatures, not the fucked up extremes of nyc weather...and it's not even that cold at all yet. it's going to be a long winter.
need to buy a new guitar. probably going to happen this weekend. i doubt anyone cares but me, but i'm writing this down so i don't wuss out on myself. i need to start playing, for it will help heal my soul.
been listening to PiL almost constantly for about a week. "Second Edition" ("Metal Box" in the UK) is so fucking bad-ass. makes me want to pick up the bass again as well. Wobble's bass lines kick so much ass. low, throbbing and totally in the pocket. a perfect compliment to Lydon's wail and Keith Levene's razor-sharp guitar and synth. Such a good album. |
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| +++ Open lettre to the nyc halloween parade +++ |
[Oct. 31st, 2007|07:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
I FUCKING HATE HALLOWEEN. i hate all holidays really, but especially this one. it's for KIDS, not adults to get stupid and drunk in public. if you are over 18 and still dress up on this lame fucking holiday....GROW THE FUCK UP. STOP. NOW. SAVE US ALL. save all you slutty costumes for your own private twisted indoor life with your trashy frat-boyfriends. i don't want to see it. do something useful with your time. i don't know what possessed me to go into your oh-so-festive neck of the woods tonight but i haven't been so pissed off in a long time. fuck all you smug fucking pigs who are no help at all or just too stupid to know what's going on. fuck whatever city official(s) who sanction this cluster fuck of bad taste and chaos.
and i HATE parades. hordes of stupid brain-dead motherfuckers totally oblivious to the rest of the world pushing and shoving and watching with gaping mouths all the pretty colors and loud cacophonous bad music. i hate mobs of people. that is why i hate rock concerts and will never attend another one in my life.
was looking forward to hanging out with a friend of mine but i couldn't even make it to her apartment due to these "festivities". couldn't even walk down the goddamn street. was actually in a good mood and feeling as social as i can possibly get, which is basically hanging out with only one or two people in a quiet dimly lit place away from idiots.......what a fucking waste of time.
of course what it really boils down to is i hate my inability to enjoy myself. that is why i hate all you costumed belligerent freaks.
i hate my personality. i am anti-pleasure. i want no part of it. i cannot accept it if it presents itself. something has infected, poisoned my soul to the point were happiness is equivalent to weakness.....how fucked. |
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| +++ More Fun with Mr. Lydon +++ |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|10:36 am] |
Lydon has become much more wise and a little less caustic over the years (he is 51!), but he never ceases to entertain, then or now. this goes back to 1980.
Snyder is condescending from the opening and John fires back ten-fold, and takes the piss outta Snyder. Quite amusing. I have never seen a more icy stare than that which appears on the face of Keith Levene.
Part 2 of the interview gets even better.....
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|10:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Ass-kicky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pantera - Hell Bound | ] |
this is good stuff. it always puts a smile on my face. it's from the film The Filth And The Fury......enjoy. look how shy siouxsie is. fucking adorable.
...i wonder why paul cook is being so quiet. he looks really bored, actually.
(Addendum: December 1st 1976, at 6:15 pm. The interview that brought on the phrase "The Filth And The Fury.") |
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| +++ Guitar Lust & Stuff +++ |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|07:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tones On Tail | ] |
Went into the Bklyn Guitar Center on my way home today and did the typical messing around without buying anything. I was sooooo tempted though. Played some acoustic beauties. A great sounding Yamaha ($230) and an even richer, fuller sounding Martin ($400). Dammit, it's gonna be one of those two, sooner or later. Maybe i'll even try to bring my electric back from CA when i visit for Xmas.
*Ever since my baby sister got interested in lessons a few months back and has started playing, I've been wanting to pick it up again seriously as well. It's been a good 2 years and I miss it. I'm gonna get back into it. . . . that's all there is to it.*
There was also a "Drum Off" going on upstairs in which contestants got about 3 minutes to show their stuff. They were competing for various prizes. MAN, some of these guys were fucking AMAZING. I was so incredibly inspired; musically and artistically in general. I've always harbored a secret desire to be a drummer. There is something so elementally human and pure about the drums for me. Drums and the human voice are my favourite instruments. Anyway, these drummers were tearing it up and a few of them looked barely out of their teens.
There is something so magical about the performing arts, as well. The more physical the better. I love writing and drawing, but seeing someone up on stage just blowing you away with their skills right in front of you can be an instant life changing experience. |
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| +++ Thoughts +++ |
[Oct. 21st, 2007|12:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | down-tempo, trip-hoppy stuff | ] |
i don't know what it is with sundays. they're always lonely, depressive days; full of unwanted self-reflection and painful nostalgia for me. i usually end up not leaving my room and staring off into space or mindlessly wandering around town.
actually i've been feeling pretty down for awhile. not much energy to go anywhere or do anything, not much of an appetite, and no passion for life at all. i may need help again. guess it's time to go buy the 5-HTP, since i don't have any insurance right now to get real medicine.
i feel like i'm in an emotional vacuum. knowing what is wrong with me and not having the will to help myself to change, even when all it takes is a conscious decision and action. stuck in a rut of old habits and feeling like i'm totally wasting my life one day at a time. wondering where i'd be right now if i didn't have certain things constantly holding me back from attacking life at full-throttle. i need a spiritual guru, a near-death experience, something to wake my fucking ass up. i've forgotten how to live life. i have a sick fascination with denying myself pleasurable things in life, and that is so incredibly fucked up for so many personal reasons.
been in a fog since i've been in nyc. missing my old life back in ca, even though i wasn't that happy then either, and still not really sure how to start a new life in ny or if i even want to. all the love seems to be 3,000 miles away.
i live in the past way too much. and that is guaranteed pain. desiring to be in a place that doesn't exist anymore and trying to dwell there is the springboard for total neurosis, or worse. i feel completely trapped.
i know this isn't the real me, i know it.
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|09:51 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Cure- Grinding Halt | ] |
man, i don't know what's up with me lately. so freakin' tired. mentally and physically. working out usually peps me up, but yesterday i was too tired to even get through a full one. did two exercises and pooped out, had to leave while i still had the energy.
saw a very funny play last night called "Say Your Prayers, Mug!". usually campy, over-the-top styles like that alienate me real quick. but this was good. the actors were on it and did a great job of emulating 1950's broadcasters and the acting styles of those old nyc mobster/noir flicks of the 30's-40's.
beforehand, while i was at Nicky's, my beloved little vietnamese sandwich shop in the lower-east village-side (with the BEST iced coffee in the world), i was watching a bootleg copy of Transformers they had on the tube. they usually show The Simpsons compete seasons dvd's, but they went out on a limb yesterday. what a ridiculous movie. John Turturro and Jon Voight were the only good actors in it and were completely wasted. but i don't think good acting was what sold this movie. people just wanted to see giant metamorphic robots fuck shit up . . . . . . . . Here is what The Village Voice had to say about this film:
"Transformers twiddles its big, fat, stupid robotic thumbs for the better part of two hours before jabbing them into your eye socket and finger-fucking your brain in the last 20 minutes. Yes!"
. . . . . . . . .yup, that's pretty much it. |
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| +++ New Friends Make Life Good +++ |
[Oct. 14th, 2007|10:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SomaFM | ] |
Many thanks to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) girlafraid and neoscribe for their hospitality and great morning cartoon party yesterday! Met many cool people (king_duncan and actress_in_nyc and many others). Lots of food, great 'toons and a wicked game of trivial pursuit.
Also, thanks to girlafraid for the Tylenol PM. It kicked my headache in the balls and beat it over the head with an anvil.....see what cartoons do to the minds of kids? :) In other words it worked like a charm. Also made the long subway ride home fuzzy and surprisingly pleasant.
Got home (around 7:30 pm), ate more food, took hot shower, watched "Forbidden Planet" and crashed.
...was a good day. |
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| +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ |
[Oct. 11th, 2007|10:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bjork | ] |
i think alcohol is bad for me, in any quantity. i went out with a buddy of mine tonight. an actor friend and really great, generous person. we are opposites in many ways but we get along okay. he is outgoing, is very garrulous, good sense of humour, all american good looks, smooth with the ladies, blah, blah, i guess i'm envious. anyway, i only drank 2 goddamn beers and am not even the least bit tipsy. but i feel very upset right now. (?)(!) i want to punch holes in the walls and cry.....that would scare the shit outta my roommates though.
the drink makes the demons stir and makes me think about all the dark, repressed shit about myself that i don't wish to face. i hate feeling this way. i hate feeling that after almost 34 years on this planet, i still have no idea who i am and am confused by my own behaviour. i have not the will to change and i hate myself for it.
.....someday i'll figure all this out. |
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| +++ FL +++ |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|08:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Caffeinated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fuckin' Sabbath | ] |
This was from a few weeks ago when i journeyed down to Naples, FL to visit my grandmother (& family) for her 90th b-day.
This is my cousin's baby. This baby fuckin' rocked. So animated, engaging and perceptive.
Her energy was amazingly contagious. Notice even i am smiling...heh, heh.
Me, daddy, and same baby (Violet) at the old beach.
Me, my sis, and another cousin's child. This one was trouble.
I swear to god, i was the ONLY mother-effer in south florida wearing black. But it was so good to get away from car alarms, screeching subway brakes, jackhammers, car horns, sloppy & loud people, and the general stench of nyc...even for just a few days. |
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| +++ One of the Best of the Best +++ |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|09:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Inspired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Love And Rockets | ] |
[On acting] "It was the only avenue of escape I had from myself. It's never been difficult to subjugate myself to a part because I don't like myself too well. Acting was, in every sense, my means of survival."
--George C. Scott
...damn, i fucking feel just like that. i think i have a new hero. |
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| +++ CA dreamin' +++ |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|11:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Future Sound of London | ] |
ug. i feel strange today. it's sunday and it's too quiet in my world.
miss CA
miss my friends there
miss my sister
miss E. Oakland (surprisingly)
miss my old landlord...who turned out to be a great friend
miss my old car
miss my old scrappy little berkeley theatre company
miss my old girl
...starin' at the wall, wondering what to do with myself. |
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| +++ Lust for Gun Violence +++ |
[Aug. 25th, 2007|10:37 am] |
Sorta piggybacking on a recent entry by psymbiotic, I was walking in the hot and smelly overcrowded 42nd st subway station the other day (my all-time favourite place to be) and EVERY single movie poster ad portrayed people wielding handguns and automatic weapons; from the campyness of resident evil to jodie foster in some pseudo-pensive stance with a handgun. And the only ad that didn't have guns on it was an ad for a movie called "war".
i'm no "there's too much violence and smoking in movies, bitch, moan, oh the children, etc etc" kind of person, because i know there actually are intelligent people who know the difference between fantasy and reality; but it does bother me how desensitized people are to this shit....the violence, i don't care about tobacco use. i guess the love of violence is human nature and all good...as long as it's not happening to you personally.
actually, it's really the advertising people that are the real slime. People who don't care what kind of effect their influence is having on our collective unconscious as long as their stinking pile of intelligence-insulting hollywood shit sells. |
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| +++ Keep SomaFM Alive +++ |
[Jul. 25th, 2007|07:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  predatory | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mesh | ] |
Don't know how much you all are fans of internet radio, but I just discovered it, particularly one station I listen to constantly. Listener supported, SomaFM (broadcasting form SF). Give it a try; NO commercials, GREAT music. My favourite is Groove Salad. I love it.....
....sadly though, internet radio is in danger. Royalty issues and other bullshit is keeping it at the mercy of the politicians. If you like this station or other independent, commercial-free stations, check out SomaFM and you'll see how you can help.
Anyway, it's a great station. Enjoy it NOW. Who knows how much longer it will be there.....
http://somafm.com/ |
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| +++ A Short Campbellian Rant +++ |
[Jun. 27th, 2007|08:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sepultura - Kaiowas | ] |
ok World...for those of you (supposedly fanatically religious & holy folks) who STILL don't fucking understand, this is how it works:
God is an idea, God is a metaphor, God is a mere SYMBOL for Unconditional Love (i.e...the absolute closest we mortals can come to an Ultimate and permanent state of spiritual reality....as we know so far. If your religion doesn't espouse that concept or you are manipulating its doctrines to further your own, personal agenda, then you are a shit-eating maggot and a total fraud.
Killing over conflicting religions is as absurd as Americans and English wasting each other because one group says "elevator" and the other says "lift". Lao Tzu said to look at the moon instead of the finger pointing to the moon. It's quite simple, so get your head out of your collective fundamentalist ass and get a clue.
....i'm actually in quite a good mood, really. Must be the lightning. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|02:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My RoOm | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | COIL - Sex With Sun Ra | ] |
FUCK it's cold. Feels like my room is a meat locker.
Haven't posted in lifetimes. Got wireless connection for my laptop, thanks to a roommate, so maybe i'll start posting again. With the exception of pygmalion and omegashade, to all who may not know (and for all who even care), i am in fact still alive.
Listening to the late John Balance singing..."most accidents occur at home"......fuckin' eerie. |
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| +++ This is the end..........? +++ |
[Jan. 28th, 2006|08:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Church | ] |
Hmmmm........
just dawned on me that 6.6.06 will be here before we know it. the end of the world? probably not. but even if it IS, i still don't believe in christianity. so when all those god fearing fools get yoinked down into the infernal pit by demonic claws from cracks in the ground, i'll just kick those grabby devil arms aside, spit on 'em, and just keep going about my business.
lonely musings on a saturday evening....... |
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| All Is Full Of <3 |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|07:08 pm] |
The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already.
1. What time did you get up this morning? MORNING? HAH HAH......TRY 2PM.
2. Diamonds or pearls? PRINCE
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
4. What is your favorite TV Show? SIMPSONS
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? COFFEE
6. What is your middle name? GEORGE. BUT JORGE SOUNDS MORE ROMANTIC. YEAH....IT'S JORGE ACTUALLY.
7. Favorite cuisine's? ITALIAN
8. What foods do you dislike? DEEP FRIED OR EXCEEDINGLY GREASY FOOD.
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? DON'T EAT THEM.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? MASSIVE ATTACK'S 100TH WINDOW
11. What kind of car do you drive? THE NEW YORK SUBWAY
12. Favorite sandwich? HOT PESTO CHICKEN SANDWICH
13. What characteristic do you despise? HOMOPHOBIA, SELFISHNESS, INSINCERITY, INSENSITIVITY
14. What is your favorite clothing? THIS QUESTION OFFENDS ME
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? PRAGUE OR ROME.
16. What color is your bathroom? BIEGE
17. Favorite brand of clothing? I COVERED THIS ON #14.
18. Where would you retire to? THE NORTHERN ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE (YORKSHIRE) OR SOUTHWEST (CORNWALL)
19. What was your most memorable birthday? I'Z A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS, SON.
20. Favorite sport to watch? BOXING
21. Furthest place you are sending this? WHAT?
22. Person you don't expect to send this back to you? BEATS ME.
23. Person you expect to send it back first? OKAY, THIS IS GETTING DUMB REAL QUICK.
24. Goal you have for yourself? MAKING A LIVING AS AN ACTOR AND DOING WORK WITH INTEGRITY.
25. What are your hobbies? AMATEUR TAXIDERMY, MIDGET TOSSING, LAUGHING AT CHRISTIANS.
26. When is your Anniversary? VAGUE FUCKING QUESTION.
27. Are you a morning person or a night person? NIGHT.
28. What is your shoe size? 11
29. Pet: NIL
30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I AM NOW AVAILABLE. AHEM....LADIES?
31. What did you want to be when you were little? THE INCREDIBLE HULK.
32. What are you today? THE GREATEST ACTOR OF MY GENERATION.
33. What is your favorite candy? I'M MORE INTO MINT MILANO COOKIES.
34. What is your favorite flower? ROSES.
35. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? THE DAY BUSH AND HIS ENTIRE ADMINISTRATION GOES TO FUCKING PRISON. |
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